Relationship(wreck)

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how lucky I am to not have tons of past failed relationships. I am not talking strictly romantic relationships but friendships and relatives also. While these are good learning experiences, I believe in my case I have learned from the many VERY GOOD relationships I have had as opposed to the few bad ones. Instead of learning what I don't want and how NOT to act in dealing with others, I have had GOOD examples of what SHOULD happen in successful relationships. It really is a much easier way to learn things and probably has a lot less heartache. Something important I have realized is the truth of the statement "True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the well being of one's companion" by the Prophet Gordon B. Hinkley. While it is truly up to you the feelings and reactions you choose to have to any given situation, in a good relationship, it is also truly up to you to have an anxious concern for that person and their feelings toward a situation. Here is one way of looking at an ideal relationship: Each person decides individually for them self that they have 100% control over the way he/she chooses to feel about something and acts as though the success of that relationship depends solely on him/her, AND each party takes it upon his/herself for the happiness and success (anxious concern) of the other person. That way by your powers combine I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!!!....no just kidding but you really would have 200% combined effort in the happiness and success of the relationship. These are just a few of my thoughts.

I'm home now.

Somehow it doesn't seem right. I always go through this period of "void" after finals where I know I should have feelings for something but I don't have them. There are so many feelings to have and I don't have any. This is the first phase. The next phase is the opposite where I have too many feelings for everyone and everything. I'm not looking forward to this phase because I usually end up crying and I hate crying. This time I have good reason for crying too. fAmiLY. They are the cause and reason for our greatest happiness and our greatest sorrows. WHY? Because we love them and when family hurts, we hurt. Someday I'll understand.

FINALS

Yea Yea Yea!!

The snow can be fun!! I had no idea. I did something yesterday that I can now cross off my life-list.
-Make cute generic snowman with carrot nose and top hat. CHECK.
I found out that having the right equipment can make snow/cold enjoyable. Waterproof boots. Warm coat. gloves. Who knew. I guess it took a couple years for me to learn that, and a roommate from Denver with snow galoshes.
I feel like I haven't really expressed or exercised my writing creativity on this blog in a long time and I should but I don't really have the desire. School has sucked every last bit of creative thinking out of me because all I do is shove my brain full of very relevant information (HA!) and then spit it back out on paper. So this is all I have and for right now it's good enough.

I made it!!

Grateful things:
1) warm(er) wheather
2) Mom
3) family
4) babies
5) Good people
6) Food
7) no school

How much is too much?

Ok, so I have this wonderful friend. I admire him in so many ways. Example: he is always trying to better himself by looking at his life, goals, and behaviors to see what he can improve. He is also very attentive to the feelings of others, in fact, I believe this is one of his main goals- to focus only on what people around him want/need/feel. He is the kind of friend everyone should have and strive to be. He recently said something to me that he believes hurt my feelings and due to my reaction, would seem to be a correct analysis, but is however, incorrect. All he said was a simple statement of flattery to me. It was very sweet and I, instead of being flattered and accepting his compliment, turned and walked away. I can see how this would be confusing. Usually when a person compliments a friend, it is a positive situation in which everyone benefits: the "complimentor" feels good that he or she noticed a good quality in someone else and had the courage to say it, and the "complimentee" feels good about being praised for a personal quality. Everyone's happy. But no, not with me. I turn on my "complimentor" and cause him pain and confusion with my reaction and when he tries to get a reason for my behavior I just say "I don't know" and forgive him. Forgive him!!?? For what?? Complimenting me?? What is wrong with me? I should be the one apologizing! He did nothing wrong. I am the one who is sorry and needs forgiveness. I am sorry. I wish I could explain why his compliment made me so uncomfortable. I think it is because when anyone says anything good about me, I automatically think/know they must be lying or exaggerating because no one could actually think that of me. It probably stems from a bad self-image. Also, and I think this is the bigger reason, I feel like when someone else is unceasingly complimentary, it in turn puts them down. This is what I can't explain. I just felt like when he said what he did, he was reminding me that I did not give the same compliment to him, which I know was not his intention, and he was putting me on a pedestal I did not deserve. You are better than me and you already have qualities most people will never even realize they should strive for. Please know that in the future, if ever I stupidly turn my back on your compliments, it is only because I feel I don't deserve it and I'm the one who should be complimenting you. This is my flaw and I'm sorry it caused you pain or confusion... or both. I am truly truly sorry, I am the one who needs change.

catchup or ketchup

This was our tea party in the Wilkonson center.
Here is our ace of hearts.
YEeessss, your majesty.
This is my halloween.

Today=good

Today was good. Today I heard good things, ate good food, spent time with good people and took a good nap. Yesterday was also good. I slept in. Worked on some homework, pampered myself, got out of Provo, Utah, ate good food, heard good and bad music, and danced. The day before yesterday also had good parts. I watched Fantasia 2000 at work (work=bad, Fantasia 2000=good) The day before that was also good, my good friend got into med school and I found out my dad had a stroke. (Med school=good, stroke=bad) My dad is ok and realized he needs to make good health a priority and that is good. What will tomorrow be like? Will I sit at a dinner table with my roommates as we try to sing different parts of "California dreamin"? No because that happened today. Will I sit in a car with a good friend and talk about how badly I want to get out of Utah but how afraid I am that I forgot how to socialize in a non BYU way? No that happened yesterday. Will I take a test on renal function, inborn errors of metabolism, or vitamins and minerals? No I did that Friday and I can forget about renal function until the final. Something else good will happen tomorrow though and maybe even something not good. but that is life.

-<...>___<..>-

Sometimes there are moments in life when you are able to see outside of your world. I have had a few of these opportunities recently. One was Friday night when one of my friends stopped by and we talked for while. This friend was someone who until that point had been a quirky, crazy-dancing, music -loving, all around nice guy. Then he started asking questions. Not "how's life" questions, but questions that I actually had to stop and think about. I usually have a hard time with those types of conversations because I have to shift from left-brain to right-brain thinking and at first I couldn't even follow his conversation. After a few thought provoking questions I was able to keep up and even contribute a little. He helped me to realize a few things: 1) people are people and not positions to be filled. 2) The only thing that matters in any loving relationship be it friends, family, etc. is that you both realize it is YOUR responsibility to make that relationship work. I used to think I could only get along with certain people but that idea is false. I can get along with anyone if I choose to, I may have to try harder with some people but isn't it worth it? I wish I could relate my experience with this friend better but that is one of the flaws of being mainly left-brained. I am able to recognize and appreciate creativity but I have a hard time creating and describing it. I am grateful to those who pull me from my limited dimensionality. That being said, another of these experiences was last week at a concert which for me is one of the best ways of stepping out of my perspective. If you have never experienced a good concert, one where when you look around you and everyone is feeling exactly the same pull that you are, I highly suggest you do so. It probably won't work with some concerts though, I think you can figure that out. It seems to work best when the motive behind the music is personal, artistic, and passionate. The concert I went to was Arcade Fire. I had always liked their music but it took a live concert to recognize the passion behind it. Children wake up, hold your mistake up- before they turn the summer into dust. If the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. we're just a million little Gods causing rain storms, turning every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust.

This is my life.

This is the Harold B. Lee Library at BYU. It was ranked 3rd best college library by the Princeton Review. This is also where I spend most of my time in life. It is a very nice library as libraries go but...it is still a library and you still have to be quiet. Not only do I choose to spend many late hours here filling my brain with information that I will then be required to regurgitate as an evaluation of my supposed learning but I also have chosen this place as my source of income and the effects of which I am only now beginning to see. Pros: I have access to secret library employee lounges where I feast on countless vending machine pseudo-foods, I don't use gas driving to work, I study more (most important). Cons: I am always on campus, I never leave campus, I live/work/study/eat on campus!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING! The conclusion I have come to is this is my life. I am student. Campus is my life right now and sometime I think maybe it will be worth it and I will look back and hopefully remember the good times. This is an amazing place. i.e.
Princeton College Review 2008 for BYU

Rank/Category

No. 1 — Stone-cold sober (good)

No. 1 — Future Rotarians and Daughters of the American Revolution (wha?)

No. 1 — Got milk? (low beer consumption) (- wait...isn't that the same as the first)

No. 1 — Scotch and soda, hold the scotch (low hard liquor consumption) (how many of these categories are there??)

No. 1 — Students pray on regular basis/most religious students

No. 2 — Don't inhale (low marijuana usage reported) (NUMBER 2!?!)

No. 3 — Best college library (all right HBLL!!)

No. 4 — Students most nostalgic for Ronald Reagan/lean right politically

No. 11 — Alternative lifestyle not an alternative (low acceptance of gay community)

No. 12 — Town-gown relations are great

No. 14 — Happiest students (I bet the didn't do this survey at 11:45pm when everyone leaves campus with their heads hung low at the thought of doing it all over again tomorrow-oh wait, thats just me)

No. 17 — Everyone plays intramural sports

No. 19 — Best quality of life

No. 20 — School runs like butter (administration gets high marks)

Source: Princeton Review's "Best 366 Colleges" 2008 edition

Ok, so just to prove that I don't actually spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment at school here are some pictures of my birthday parties.

(Borders Books-waiting for a table, Happy Sumo, impromptu dance party)

My 11,749 foot nap.

Last summer I hiked Timpanogos in the middle of the night and got lost (thanks to a few "we know the way" boys who didn't actually "know the way" and in fact had never done it before) We planned on hiking through the night and making it to the top to see the sun rise. None of that happened. The four hour hike took us six hours and we only made it to the saddle of the mountain (about an hour from the top) We did however manage to use up all the batteries in all but one flashlight (and accidentaly drop the few spare batteries we did have down the cliff), drink all of our water, and forget to bring any food with us and thus had no energy for the hike back down the mountain. It was one of the single worst nights/days of my life. I was so hungry/tired/thirsty that when I got home I couldn't eat, sleep, or drink anything. I remember thinking to myself after the experience "I don't like hiking, it is not fun" but I conviently forgot making that statement and so I tried again. I was finally going to slap that mountain in the face. I wish I could say that was what happened but the truth is: you can't really slap a mountain in the face. Lets just say that if a mountain could "theoretically" hurt a person, then I was body slammed by the Mountain Timpanogos. I remember now why I do not like hiking: because it is hard. It took us 4 1/2 hours to get to the top which is about average and then we ate and took naps on the cliff and finally headed back down. This is where it gets bad. I don't remember a lot about the way down on my last Timp hike except that we ran most of the way. Not because we had energy and strength to run but because it took more energy and strength to go slow due to the downward momentum. I did not run this time. Instead we took it one slow painful step at a time. The first part of the descent is so steep and covered in gravel and boulders that one wrong step will send you down one of many sheer verticle cliffs and so by the time you finish that part and the trail turns to meadow and dirt, your entire lower body is shaking (or at least mine was). I also realized that I had a gnarly blister on the back of my foot that I hadn't noticed before then but could do nothing about. Then there was some kind of time/space continuum after that and it is all a painful blur. Remember in hiking that the way up is harder on your mind and the way down is harder on your body. At any point on the way up you can say, "I quit. I'm done." Turn around and you're done. But you don't have any options on the way down except to get it over with. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did it, I'll just never do it again. (Oh wait, didn't I say that last year?)

You Stay Classy, San Diego

Its time to talk about some things that I love. The first is road trips and the second is San Diego. Something I like even more than those two things is when you combine them. That is what I did this summer thanks to my generous San Diegon roommate. We began around 10 in the morning and of course we stopped in Vegas for In n Out but other than that, we went straight for So Cal. (and by "we", I mean, Jack and I. Our richer roommates took a plane) My roommate Lexi's family lives in Escondido but we went straight past it to Coronado and straight into the water. Some people may have been surprised by two underwear-clad girls playing in the moonlit waves but if they had known that it had been way too long since this California girl had played in any ocean, they would have understood and so would you.
Over the next two days we went body surfing at the beach, saw the Star of India in the harbor (and Jack Sparrow), went shopping downtown, ate real Mexican food, fish tacos, In n Out (duh), and swam in Lexi's backyard. Agoodtimewashadbyall. In life, people ask what you are going to do after you graduate college and such. Here is an example of one of these conversations: Are you staying in Provo? No. Are you going back to Bakersfield? No. Well, where are you going to go? I usually answer, I don't know, I guess anywhere... as long as its San Diego.

These are a few of my FLAVORITE things

little miracles

I was watched a movie or a TV show one time and someone said "Everyday we're alive can be a miracle." I've had a few examples of everyday miracles in my recent life. The first miracle was Sunday night when I was able to witness the annual Perseid meteor shower when Earth passes through a cosmic river of debris following the Swift-Tuttle comet. My roommate, Alexis and I and some other friends drove to the hills south of Utah Lake to get away from city lights and spend quality time with Amazon-sized mosquitoes. It took 20 minutes and some 4X4-ing up some really steep hills to get there. The meteors were amazing and we saw everything from tiny faint streaks across the sky to huge, brilliant, softball-sized shooting stars. There was even one that, instead of shooting across the sky, slowly and gently fell towards the earth and then broke up into hundreds of tiny points of light. They were beautiful. We had fun passing the time by listening to friends play the guitar and laughing about Bryan Reagan. It was one of those celestial events that inspires unanswerable questions and reminds us how truly small we are in this universe. That leads me to my second miracle of the week. I woke up the next morning and could not find my cell phone. I wish I could say that it had no effect on my life and I didn't really miss it that much but that would be a lie. I just got a new job and was waiting to hear from them about when to come in for training and my mom was here visiting so we were coordinating airport trips and so on. If it had been any other week this summer, a missing cell phone would have gone mostly unnoticed. So I of course asked myself the inevitable question "Where did I last have my phone?" I remembered getting a call right before we went to Utah Lake and then putting it back in my purse before we left. That was the last time I saw it. My purse, like so many other purses, is full and items tend to fall out... a lot. So I recounted my activities after leaving the house so I could retrace my steps and hopefully recover my phone. First we took a load of blankets down and I sat in the grass waiting for Alexis to bring her truck around. Then we stopped at 7-11 for slurpees (duh). Then we picked up some friends at their house. It could have fallen out at any of these places for all I knew which would have been ok because people live around these areas and would likely see it and return it. The one place we went that night where people don't live and probably doesn't have a lot of visitors is the top of the hill where we watched the stars. Now, I'm a religious person and when I have a problem, I ask for help. So of course I prayed, and this is kinda how my prayer went: Father in Heaven, I've lost my phone. I know my cell phone is not essential to my eternal salvation or anything but it is kind of necessary in my life right now. Please help me find it. Please let it be somewhere that I will be able to find it and let it not be lying in the fields south of Utah Lake playing Imogen Heap Hide and Seek for all the mosquitoes to hear every time my mom calls. Amen. So I went about my day sans cell phone and when I got home, there was a post-it note on the table saying: "Robert (408) 567-blah blah blah. He has Sar's phone!!" I of course freaked out and called the number (using a roommates phone) This guy Robert explained that he had casually driven out by Utah Lake to do a little recreational shooting early Monday morning and had seen a black phone just sitting in the dirt. My phone was in the one place I had prayed it wouldn't be!! but this guy just happened to see it and called the last person I had called on my phone, which was my roommate Jackie. So, to conclude my really long explanation of my recent not-so-everyday miracles, I got my phone back. The Church is true. Robert: if by another miracle you happen to see this blog, THANK YOU for being in right place at the right time, for me.

Tagged?

I guess I'm "IT" in this online blog-version of tag and that means I have to list some mortally important details of my life such as "things I hate" and "things I love."


Things I love:
1) Family
2) happy weather
3) Peanut Butter
4) New (to me) Clothes
5) Interesting names that do not sound made up
6) Laughing
7) laughing babies
8) whole milk, dark chocolate, wheat bread,

Things I HATE:
1) Being cold
2) When people ignore/are mean to other people
3) TV (except so you think you can dance...and grey's anatomy, crap)
4) wasting food/money
5) anything made by Hostess, little debbie. (or any food that comes sealed in a clear, plastic wrapper, excluding graham crackers)

Places I want to visit: (In order of desire, sort of)
1) Costa Rica
2) Thailand
3) Spain
4) New Zealand

Books
Currently: The Great Divorce. wow
1) True Love, All I need to know I learned in Kindergarten
2) Twilight & New Moon (guilty pleasure)
3) Tuesdays with Morrie
4) LOTR

MovieS:
1) Forrest Gump, Meet Joe Black, Reality Bites, The Pallbearer, Anchorman, LOTR
2) Phantom of the Opera
3) Notebook
4) Gladiator
5) Amelie

I'm not very good at:
1) getting the oil changed in my car
2) saving money
3) being outgoing/brave
4) relationships
5) studying
6) Drawing conclusions
7) Sleeping

I am good at:
1) shaving my legs
2) reading people
3) being patient
4) eating
5) cuddle/snuggling

Thinking about:
1) why am I not cuddling or snuggling right now?
2) preparing my winter wardrobe
3) Thai food
4)http://health.discovery.com/convergence/duggars/jennifer.html

hoping:
I can find a warm pair of boots to wear this winter *sniff*

Summer

Today is the last day of July and I can't help but think back and review my summer thus far and I must say I'm a little disappointed. This was my first summer in Provo Utah and I'd heard very good things about summer here. There are outdoor activities such as camping, hiking, biking, and water sports, shorter terms with easier classes, pools, and a more relaxed atmosphere. This was going to be my summer of BIKE. I got a bike in March and it was the love of my life until the chain fell off a few weeks ago. I was just casually taking it down the steps to go for an evening ride when the chain bounced off. I know that is the easiest thing to fix on a bike and I tried for a while but just ended up getting the chain caught around another part of the bike, getting my hands covered in greasy black stuff (I think it may have been that stuff from Spiderman 3 that makes you evil) and making it worse. So since then my summer of BIKE has been put on hold. My roommates and I have tried camping a few times but since the recent bear attack, every time we attempt a camping trip we ask ourselves, Is camping really fun enough to lose a whole night's sleep because we're afraid to fall asleep and then be awoken by an angry bear? I had very serious plans to float down the river and hike Mt. Timpanogos again but that hasn't happened. I would also like to go to Seven Peaks, a water park here in Provo and I haven't done that yet either. It hasn't been a total bust though. I was able to go to Vegas and see the sexiest concert of my life in the greatest venue I've ever been to. I made a road trip down to San Diego for some good quality California time and I was able to spend an entire week with my family. I have put in a good amount of pool time and I've read more non-school books this summer than all of my college years combined. The best part is, it's not over! I still have a whole month to accomplish my summer goals. I just think I need to re-evaluate and make a concrete list of things I must do before I'm a full-time student again. Here are the most important goals from my list:
1) Float the Provo River
2) Hike Mt Timpanogos
3) Go to Seven Peaks
4) Get my bike fixed and continue with Summer of BIKE (ride to Utah lake?)

More babies

I was hoping to express some of my creativity through my blog but I didn't realize the formatting on blogger was so limited. I can either have my pictures on the right side, the left side, or the center. I can chose the color and size of my font but I just believe my creative mind is being quelled by my limited options. I don't think I would go crazy and have psychadellic pictures and designs or anything but I do think I would enjoy a nice collage or small display of thumbnails or something. Maybe I've underestimated Blogger and there really is a plethora of design options. I will look into it. In the mean time, enjoy the pictures on the left side of the screen.

Sorry...

I am sorry for two things: 1) My previous very long descriptive blog about my almost-near-death experience. and 2) For posting endless pictures of my nephews, but if you have any you will understand.




Caleb's favorite game was throwing everything into the dirt around his high chair.

Stephanie couldn't stand not to give Caleb his bath, even on a two day camping trip...

Precious

I have returned to my temporary student home in Provo, Utah and it was no easy task. I was trying to think of times in my life when I have been scared. Not just sort of scared but really really scared and this is what I came up with:
1) Camping- I heard scratching outside of my tent and could not wake up my tentmates, the scratching was not made by something small.
2) Motorcycle- My dad took me for a ride up the Kern Canyon on his Honda CBR 1100 and the wind was blowing really hard. Some gusts were hard enough to push us into the next lane.
3) In Hawaii- I went shopping in Waikiki by myself at night and thought I had missed the last bus back to North Shore and a scary man was trying to get me to come home with him.
But none of those events compare to the level of fear I had last night on the plane coming home. The pilot announced we would begin our descent shortly and that it was currently raining in Salt Lake. Then as we got nearer to the airport, the plane shifted directions and the pilot announced we were in a holding pattern and could not land because they had closed the airport to all incoming flights due to weather. I will compare my levels of fear with the levels in the Homeland Security Advisory System. In normal everyday life I am at a green, or low fear level. In potentially dangerous everyday situations such as driving in heavy traffic or snow I would be at a blue level, or guarded level of fear. In situations that are notorious for fear such as flying or rock climbing, the default level of fear would be yellow or elevated fear. At this point of the flight, I believe every passengers level of fear jumped to orange, or high fear. As we began to circle, the weather that was causing our delay became visible out of our plane window. We were circling an enormous electrical storm. Flashes of lightning were almost nonstop and every one was clearly visible. Of course my mind started to play the worst-case scenario game and I was sure one of those bolts would strike our plane and we would be vaporized or the fuel tanks would explode but the kind lady next to me, who seemed fearless, sensed my terror and began talking to me about her daughters and the drama of buying her youngest daughter a new wet suit for her birthday and her oldest daughter changing majors 4 times and her other daughter learning Spanish while doing research in Costa Rica and Spain. Her endless chatter was helping a little but all I could think of was that I still haven't surfed a short board, been to Costa Rica or Spain, learned Spanish, or finished my major. So after 45 minutes of circling the ginormous cloud o' lightning, the pilot announces that the tower is going to send a plane down to see if it can get through the weather....and that plane is gonna be us. Those were his exact words. Our level of fear was now at red, or severe fear. Why couldn't he have just said, Well, it looks like the weather has cleared over our landing zone and we'll just have to get through some bumps as we hit the tail end of the storm or something?? The descent back to earth was beyond scary descriptions and everyone clapped when we touched down. Anyways, we landed and I'm alive. I came home and wiki'd lightning and airplanes and found out that every plane gets struck by lightning at least once every year and all planes have lightning protection on them so that the electricity doesn't affect the instruments or fuel tanks. The biggest risk to an airplane in a thunder storm are the wind pockets it creates which can throw a plane out of control. huh. I'm pretty sure this is what happened to our plane: http://s.freissinet.free.fr/videos/foudre.gif